*Disclaimer: I’ve been sitting on this for a couple weeks. I almost wasn’t going to post it because I’m good, I’m over it, and the last thing I’m looking for is pity or for someone to think I’m just whiny. I’ve decided to post this for the off chance this may help someone else get through a tough time.
So. You think you found your path in life and you are in such a happy place. Or perhaps you think you did, but you’re hesitant. If your path is “against the grain”, then I pray you have a strong sense of self. Not every day is going to be perfect, not everything is going to go according to plan. You are not likely going to gain any friends, quite likely you may lose a chunk. Arguably, they may wonder what you’re doing, they may think you’re being fake, they may just flat out not get it. And you’re going to have to be okay with that.
I say this because I’m still finding that I am still the one who’s keeping up with people. And this was my first birthday without FB. This was the first year that those who remembered and cared would say something. No prompting people to impart guilty/hollow/perfunctory wishes. I don’t even need all my fingers to count how many people wished me a happy birthday. I wasn’t looking for a lot. I didn’t want a party, didn’t want presents. Just some acknowledgement that maybe they found me somewhat meaningful too. And while I don’t regret not having my birthday promoted, I didn’t realize in time the B side of that. It’s somewhat shocking to make the jump from 50 FB wishes to something more “real time”. I did get more than the 2 I was expecting, so there is that. I suppose that people can like you well enough in the moment of them hanging out with you, but it may not mean that they give you a second thought otherwise. Maybe I learned a wrong cultural habit growing up and people don’t actually put down birthdays in their own calendars. Maybe it’s a generation thing and people these days don’t focus on that kind of thing. Maybe it’s a location thing and it’s just another reason to get out of the city. Maybe while certain people are main characters in your story, their lives may be full and all the room they have left is for secondary characters. Or maybe the world has just become a place of not caring as long as they get the attention they need and who cares about giving attention to others. But regardless of the potential “whys” the result was me, by myself for 2 days because I somehow got them off and no one else did, magnifying the situation, and I cried both mornings. And it’s stupid. And I hated it. I wanted to have thoughts of “it’s just another day, nothing important”, “why do I care what other people think of me anyway? I usually don’t”. And while I did, most of my thoughts were like this:
But then this happened
I remembered to find the strength in myself. I had placed too much of it in unreliable outside sources and that will always be a loosing battle. It’s easy to see strength in yourself when things are going how you think it should, but the true test is seeing it when things are going wrong. Kinda like when the only time you find you can be brave is when you’re afraid.